The Current Problem

Fair warning: I'm going to be cynical here. I don’t know how medical graduates can stomach $200,000 or more in student debt. Actually, it’s over $600,000 in debt if you factor in interest. I’ve heard the advice from other people: “Do what you really want to do and worry about the debt later”, “Follow your passion”, “You’ll be making more after so the debt won’t seem as large later”, and “Just worry about getting in and finishing,” “you’ll be paying more for a house later anyway.” I don’t know though. Taking on that much debt just gives me the heeby-jeebies. I don’t know how medical students are able to sleep at night having that loom over them constantly, and what with worrying about grades, working long hours, having minimal if any appreciation, and worrying about messing up anything with the patient -- that just seems like a recipe for a breakdown if you ask me. After what I’ve been through, being in my 30’s already, suffering heavy investment losses, major depression, and having a past with no money to begin with; I just cannot stomach that kind of expenditure, even if it would be for the most noble of causes (education, medicine, and helping people). It stings though because I know I can do it. I have the grades, the drive, the intellect, the perseverance, the prerequisites, and even a master’s degree in the sciences to help make things easier. The only thing I lack is the money! And for me, that is key: an unwillingness to go into more red. That is why this decision is so difficult for me. I can’t do it. The alternatives are really seeming more attractive to me. Thank God there are alternatives! It will mean disappointing people though, explaining myself, having slightly less prestige, which actually, I’m okay with. Even if people will see me as “less than” what I could have been, I could be okay with that -- but how will I see myself? When I have certain things that other people lack, but other people went through with this course anyway, and I’m not going to, voluntarily. How could I live with myself then?

Coming Back Again

I haven’t written in this in a long time. That’s okay. A journal can evolve into something else, with time, from what it was originally envisioned as. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be growth, or learning; it wouldn’t be a journey. I almost hope that no one reads this. It’s going to be a little more personal from now on. I say ‘almost’ because I do want certain people to read it. Although most likely the people I want to read it will not, and it will be read by other strangers entirely, and at that point I would have moved on already. Except, I do want it to stand as a record, if even only a personal one, that I did once think of this decision for a long time, and regardless of what path I will eventually choose, I want my future self to know that I made this decision with a lot of thought. I really struggled with myself about it, and that’s okay. At some point, I will make a decision, of what I will eventually do with myself. I want it to be the right one, so I’m going to be recording my thought process here. My hope is that one day I'll look back on it and smile, but even if I don't, I'll feel much better knowing that I put everything I had into making this decision.