Friday, February 24, 2006

I’m trying to prove if whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. I haven’t succeeded yet.

Note to readers: No, that doesn’t actually mean I’m here drinking or taking various substances, although I did have a wonderful sangria last week in D.C… It means, rather, that I’m here all lonely and alone on a restless Friday night, waiting for a certain warm and fuzzy someone to arrive by train.

It does get cold in the winter.
I need a hug!

Turning a new page

I’m choosing to work for the chemosensory neuroscience lab at Monell. At this point in my life, I have to value application over pure science. It’s the potential to make a difference, and not simply love of the technology that drives me. There will be many people to interact with, scientists and study subjects alike, and I’ll learn a thing or two about conducting a clinical study and psychology. This will serve me better than working at the ivory tower, even though the research will probably teach me more about research methodologies and statistics over the quantitative molecular sciences. It will be fun, something vital, entirely new and exciting. Let’s see how it goes.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

The Question

The phone rings. Nose embedded in a thick stack of papers, the noise fails to elicit a response. It rings again. I pick it up. I hear a vaguely familiar voice with a thick French accent on the other end of the line. It’s the second scientist, the one I interviewed with for a position at the university. He tells me I’ve been offered the job. Shock. Surprise. Breathless Elation. I’m in a conundrum. Now the new variable is entered into the equation.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

C'est Moi!

A Meme and a pleasant diversion, stolen affectionately from another friend’s journal. I didn’t think to do it then, but I’m glad to have done it now.

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
Visit Philadelphia.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don’t make resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My boss actually back at the bio lab, *and* my biochem. professor too for that matter!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Alas, my pioneering spirit… it withered away with the autumn leaves.

5. What countries did you visit?
Does Quaker country count?

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
A friend who is a poet. (Read: Sarah is gone and has left me all alone at Penn!)
Furniture would be nice too.

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 16, but I’m not saying why… ;-)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I’m here, aren’t I?

9. What was your biggest failure?
I’d like to think of mine as a multitude of tiny insignificant ones that can be beaded on a string like pearls.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I got a nasty email from someone that was totally unnecessary and which, I proceeded to ignore.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A three-piece suit, finally!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Again, alas, not all of us can be blessed so bountifully…

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I have a list. They’re all getting a lump of coal for Christmas.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Sallie Mae and CVS.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Oh my god, look at the size of that LIBRARY!

16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
La Vie Boheme!

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Ask me the same question tomorrow
ii. thinner or fatter? I lost what I had gained. In the end I was even.
iii. richer or poorer? I haven’t checked the Nasdaq yet. Hold on.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I’d always wished for time to do NOTHING.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Walking. Someone needs to buy me a car, quickly before the soles wear out.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Making Cheesecake, eating with the family, watching the Stock Market (which, stubbornly, was closed for the holidays), and then seeing the cutest boy in all the world. ;-)

22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
Has it been that long already?

23. How many one-night stands?
I’m made people!

24. What was your favourite TV program?
Gilmore Girls, Teen Titans, that Evolution special on the Discovery Channel, CNBC

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
*Now* you say? I think I stopped hating people after eighth grade.

26. What was the best book you read?
This year the award goes to WICKED by none other than Gregory Maguire.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Mikey!

28. What did you want and get?
small things: some cash, a watch, several books, and a life

29. What did you want and not get?
I still want that 20’’ flat-screen G5 iMac.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I would have probably said RENT, if someone had only gone to see it with me...

31. What did you do on your birthday?
I don’t have a birthday. I was genetically engineered. :-(

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Just one? Don’t wishes always come in threes?
…let’s see, should I ask the Wizard for the brain, the heart, or the courage?

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?
I can’t remember that far back. People still used 3-and-1/2-inch floppy disks back then.

34. What kept you sane?
As Akira Kurosawa once said, “In a mad world only the mad are sane.”

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Queen Elizabeth I

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The signing of the Magna Carta. Boy was that a big mistake.

37. Who did you miss?
Sarah, come back from Greece! America needs you!

38. Who was the best new person you met?
All the wonderful people here at Penn, but, I would have to say especially Adi, my boss, and Zeen.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005.
Let Einstein tell you: “Insanity [is] doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Thank you for the music, the songs I’m singing…

And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming!




GREAT NEWS EVERYONE! I just got a job offer! I’m to work at a research institution right next to UPenn’s campus, for an organization of scientists dedicated to studying the chemical senses. I’ll be working in NEUROSCIENCE!

I’m going to spend the rest of my night in a mad frenzy reading science journals. I’m still psyched. I can’t contain myself. I’ve been thinking about neurons ever since the phone call. I’m going to get out my neuroscience and behavioral psych books and start studying right away! Everything else is just noise to me now.

The Simplest Cause of Pain

Faced with the question of what kind of person I wanted to make myself, I looked to literature, at those characters so entrenched in fiction they show more truth than our actual selves. After much deliberation, I came to an impasse. On one pole lies Ayn Rand’s Howard Roark, a man as driven, cool, and confident in manner as he is competent in intellect. He stands for empiricism, rationality and capitalism at its finest. Naturally, businessmen and engineer-types are attracted to him. He gets the job done. I’ve always adored Howard Roark. On the other hand lies Oscar Wilde’s creation, Dorian Gray, the new Galatea to an age-old Pygmalion -- or an effete dandy’s solution to an age of English propriety. Dorian Gray is sleek, cool, calm, admired, and confident. I'm careful to say "admired" and not "loved." Dorian Gray is, to say the least, the face of charisma -- the embodiment of youth and joy. Artists and dreamy, romantic-types are attracted to him, but then again, so is everyone. He represents society at its finest.

To be Roark is to be in control. Roark is pure production, and the master of his domain. The caveat of course is that the more and more a man becomes like Roark, the less spontaneous and creative his life becomes. He becomes entrenched in discipline and ritual. Eventually, he becomes what he desires most: a robot, an automaton that can get the job done with no cause for concern, worry, or error. No man wants to become that: to stand up, get the job done, sit back down, and do another. Any man that admits so is purely a masochist! No one is an assembly line. Where then is the sense of pride, and the joy in one's work? Of course, Ayn Rand portrayed Roark as a man on a mission and one driven by a fierce passion and intellect to move the world. What I think is the reality, however, is that the job gets done with or without his input, and the work gets tedious after some time. We’ll always want for something more.

A man hasn't lived until he's seen every bit of the world: each tower, each alleyway, and each street there is to cross. That's the way we’re meant to live. I’d want to be immersed in it: the big, beautiful, noisy, and hard-paved world. I want to be able to look in the eye and see that I've conquered it, seen every sight there is to see and experienced everything worth experiencing. I'd be filled with fright to do otherwise. Shear fear of missing something alone should be motivation enough. I know that one day, I too will be settled in my grave, and I will want to look back on my life at the very end and not have a regret for those things I never got to do. That's what drives me. That's what wakes me up in the morning, to climb ever higher and fall flat on my face crying, and to want to go up to a random stranger and hug every damn person I see.

I guess the problem is purely one of the heart and the intellect, or as Greeks saw it, of maintaining the delicate balance between the Apollonian and the Dionysian. What Roark stands for is Reason, and Dorian, sheer Passion. They’re opposite ends of the pole, two ways of living. Apollo, the Sun God, represents classical order and reason triumphing over the entropy of nature. In Apollo’s light, magnificent cities are built, wild pastures are tamed, and great statues are erected in tribute to the creative powers of man. Dionysus, the God of Wine, represents something entirely different. In Dionysus’s fleeting night; wild inhibitions are released, beasts are unharnessed, and secret pleasures come to fruition. To worship Dionysus is to give in.

As a person, Dorian Gray was neither born nor made. He is too artificial to have been born of man and woman, and too natural to have been contrived. He simply is. He is like Athena, springing in full armor from the head of Zeus, belonging neither to man nor woman, mother nor father. People see him like a nymph, in its insular sacred beauty. They want to possess him, or aspire to be him, or both; but little things get in the way. People are too shy, they never say the right things, don't have the right clothes, or don’t think they can compare to other men, or gods. To be Dorian Gray is to defy reality. People appreciate his style, his charisma, his immortality, and the way people gather around him like ants to honey; but his shallowness is to be mistrusted; and his lack of responsibility, abhorred. Someone who gave thought as much intensity as feeling would want more than that from life. He would be capable of so much more.

To move mountains, to make something useful, to believe that an Anybody can be a Somebody -- there’s the true source of pride. There’s the sense of validation. It’s all one big game at the end of the long haul. A person can’t long to possess one world, and have some of the other. It just doesn't work that way. Now, take Howard Roark and Dorian Gray for instance. Both were artists in their own right, and both tempted destruction. Everyone sought to destroy Howard Roark, for his spiritual vision and his disregard for appearances. Everyone accepted Dorian Gray, for his lack of a vision and complete immersion in appearances. Yet, he eventually destroyed himself. To live, in accordance with or despite one’s best self -- that is the big question, and the simplest cause of pain.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

~Benjamin Franklin

On the subject of clubbing, men seem to be fiercely divided. The seasoned seem to think of it mindless prattle, pointless grinding, and an endless cycle of repetitive flirtatious episodes. Not to say that it couldn't be fun, but not all nights end equally. The rash see it as a natural release of energy, a favored compulsion, or a giving-in to spontaneity -- or choose not to put it into words at all. I don’t think I’ve been rash enough to make that decision.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Throwing in the Towel

Just you wait, Apple. I will buy a computer from you, but just not at this exact time. I’ll start by buying an external DVD+RW drive. I’ll install more RAM later. I don’t know what I’ll do after -- maybe buy peripherals. The iMac will have to wait, but I’m definitely buying one. I went to the store today and the four they had on their shelves were already sold out. I was right. I’ll have to wait.

The Cult of Macintosh

I’ve been thinking about getting an Apple computer for a long time. It all started when the rainbow-colored iMacs came out, featuring a processor built into the monitor. Fine, my reasons for wanting one at first weren’t entirely honorable or technical. I wanted one because it came in blue and orange. I must have been in my early teens at the time. It was the only computer that I thought wasn’t boring and ugly, but alas, I didn’t get one. My family didn’t have any computer at all, let alone a new iMac that wasn’t available at discount desktop prices. A few years later, Apple came out with the flat-screen iMac, an interesting little thing that resembled ET more than an actual computer. I wanted one then too, but knowing so little about computers back then, I would have probably been happy to use it as a paperweight let alone a computing device. My family finally bought a computer when I was in high school, when my grandfather bought my brother, sister, and I our first computer. It was a Compaq, and I was so happy with the thought of getting one, I forgot about Macs altogether. So I lived in PC world for the following five years, all through the rest of high school and college.

I thought I would never visit Macs again. I had doubts. I thought that a computer so small and pretty could never match up to the likes of the big, bulky, desktop PC’s. I was thinking of getting one only as a (mostly visual) secondary to a PC I would use for most of my computing functions. Then I started working in science, which is apparently considered a niche market. Apple owns anywhere from a measly 3-10% of the total computing market, but in the science world, an amazingly disproportionate percentage of people use Macs. They’re apparently very good for protein and molecular modeling, and editing all of the detail-sensitive photographs biologists take. The same is true in art and graphics. Macs are just great for animation, 3-D imaging, and carrying out the equations involved in complex vector graphics (maybe it has something to do with their affiliation with Pixar…). Adobe applications seem to be used more frequently by Mac users, and the PowerMac G5 has all the tools a graphics designer would need: huge RAM, multiple dual-core processors, advanced video card, potential to grow. It’s all too intense. It’s easy to see why designers would have a leaning towards Macs – just look at them!

Well, at the very real risk of being a promotion whore, I’m seriously considering buying a Mac. I’ve been looking for an alternative to my Compaq laptop, which by now crashes after every hour of use. I’m so tired of having a computer crash from WORDPROCESSING, of all things! People just don’t make viruses and spyware for Macs. There aren’t enough users out there to make it worthwhile. I went to the local store to ask about them, and they were actually on sale! Apparently, fewer people want to buy the iMac G5s since the new iMacs with Intel processors came about. Along with the student educational discount, I could buy one for 23% less than the purchase price, saving myself some $300 dollars in the process! I almost had a heart attack when I found out. I wasn’t planning on buying a new computer till after I found a job, but I just can’t pass on this opportunity. Granted, I could still get a cheaper deal if I were to assemble new and used components, but one look at the thing, with its wide-screen display, DVD-RW SuperDrive, and computer components/ports/drives built into an impossibly thin monitor had my mouth watering. It was too intense. I don’t know if I could get a new, late model this cheap again… I won’t have to settle for used… I could have a brand new iMac. Technically, it’s treason (you know, being a minority Intel shareholder and all…), but they just made the switch recently anyway and I feel that at this point the IBM PowerPC G5 processors are still better. I would have to shell out the money soon though. (Do I really want to charge $1000 to my credit card?). It’s just so …breathtaking. God. If I were a Windows computer, I’d probably need a boot disk about now. I need to come up with a decision by tomorrow, or Friday. How to decide? How to decide?

I went to the bookstore and started reading all the books they had about Macs. I still have a (rather daring and potentially problematic) inclination to build a PC. I would learn much more from it and it would cost me less, but it’s just not practical to build a Mac. They’re too unique, and Apple does nearly everything in-house. The case just seems too pretty to break into, and I would probably do some serious damage if I tried. I should choose something simpler, in a tower case, and with larger parts for a first-time job. I just don’t want to have a second PC after my first. Macs are different, they look like little alien people, and they run on Mac OS X. The tiny little Mac’s heart beats to the true core of Unix. I’m almost tempted to give mine a name…

I realize that owning a Mac isn’t just about having a neat little computer that modern artists would be content with. Mac users also belong to the counter-culture of computing. They’re the little guys, defending their toys despite their more-limited software options and obvious lack of market share. To make a quaint and geeky comparison, they’re like tiny little Luke Skywalkers battling the Galactic Empire of Microsoft and Dell. Mac users are fiercely loyal. They stay true to their brand. Do I want to belong to the Cult of Macintosh?