I have a lot on my mind. I can’t even post it here because part of it is work-related. Part of it is people-related. Another part, a huge part, is money-related. What am I doing with my life?
Just yesterday I saw cancer patients getting surgery and having parts of their bodies removed. It wasn’t just teeth or organs underneath your skin that you never see. They were important parts-- like eyes, noses, and lips. Some of them will die.
When will I? Am I using my time here as best I can? I have avoided certain things, but maybe I should confront them. It will mean saying things I don’t wish to say. I will never know how much time I can possibly have.
Am I cutting my life short, stressing, burning myself out? or am I squeezing the most out of the short time there is?
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Monday, November 20, 2006
^._.^ //
We came to the guy’s apartment, and the kittens were hiding at first. He gave me a drink and pulled the black one out of a corner. The black-and-white kitten came next. They were a little bit older than what you would typically call kittens, but they were very cute. Mike started playing with them immediately. The guy gave me a catnip mouse on a wand and the black one started playing with it, curling up into a ball. In a few minutes, after a nice conversation, Mike and I left with two kittens, meowing in a small plastic carrier.
After Mike left, the kittens started playing around in my room. They were very curious at first, sticking their heads in every nook and crevice. The black one came to me first. She’s more adventurous. I opened the door to their cage, and she came out sticking her head out to look at the room. She looked underneath the desk and the drawer first, then darted underneath my bed. The black-and-white kitten was a different story. Mike aptly named him “Penguin” for his tuxedo coat. He’s a shy Penguin. I had to pull him out of the cage, and he barely looked around before darting underneath the bed. He stayed for a good long while. I eventually had to pry him off with a cardboard roll in order to play with him. The black kitty was completely different. She didn’t want to stay underneath the bed for long. Instead, she jumped up on all my furniture -- the computer desk, the book case, the old fireplace mantelpiece, and if I hadn’t stopped her -- the paper lantern lamp next to my bookcase.
The kittens are absolutely adorable. When they’re sitting down, feeling too lazy to move, they just look at me as I pace back and forth around my room. They watch me as I move from corner to corner, their eyes like small green pools. I come back to my room from the kitchen or the bathroom, and there they are sitting on my bed, acting like they have every right to be there (and I guess they sort of do, but it is a human bed after all). Shy Penguin leaves immediately, but the black kitty just stays there, like her neat prissy self. Thank god they’re already litter box trained. I don’t know how I would deal with that if they weren’t, but so far they’ve been neat and well-mannered. The only weird thing is, sometimes the black kitty starts digging in the litter box, and then she clambers all over my bed, including all over my pillows! I still have to think of a name for her, but I don’t think it’s going to be quite so lonely around the house anymore. I can sit in my chair and the black kitty jumps unto my lap in the middle of nowhere. I spent hours watching them. I have to cut myself short. Time passes by and it is already time for bed. No wonder I didn’t get any work done.
Black Kitty looking deviously cute at food
"Penguin" is so shy he has to be photographed in a cage. Poor kitty. He doesn't like to stay still.
Mike holding the Black Kitty
More Kitty Pictures
After Mike left, the kittens started playing around in my room. They were very curious at first, sticking their heads in every nook and crevice. The black one came to me first. She’s more adventurous. I opened the door to their cage, and she came out sticking her head out to look at the room. She looked underneath the desk and the drawer first, then darted underneath my bed. The black-and-white kitten was a different story. Mike aptly named him “Penguin” for his tuxedo coat. He’s a shy Penguin. I had to pull him out of the cage, and he barely looked around before darting underneath the bed. He stayed for a good long while. I eventually had to pry him off with a cardboard roll in order to play with him. The black kitty was completely different. She didn’t want to stay underneath the bed for long. Instead, she jumped up on all my furniture -- the computer desk, the book case, the old fireplace mantelpiece, and if I hadn’t stopped her -- the paper lantern lamp next to my bookcase.
The kittens are absolutely adorable. When they’re sitting down, feeling too lazy to move, they just look at me as I pace back and forth around my room. They watch me as I move from corner to corner, their eyes like small green pools. I come back to my room from the kitchen or the bathroom, and there they are sitting on my bed, acting like they have every right to be there (and I guess they sort of do, but it is a human bed after all). Shy Penguin leaves immediately, but the black kitty just stays there, like her neat prissy self. Thank god they’re already litter box trained. I don’t know how I would deal with that if they weren’t, but so far they’ve been neat and well-mannered. The only weird thing is, sometimes the black kitty starts digging in the litter box, and then she clambers all over my bed, including all over my pillows! I still have to think of a name for her, but I don’t think it’s going to be quite so lonely around the house anymore. I can sit in my chair and the black kitty jumps unto my lap in the middle of nowhere. I spent hours watching them. I have to cut myself short. Time passes by and it is already time for bed. No wonder I didn’t get any work done.
Black Kitty looking deviously cute at food
"Penguin" is so shy he has to be photographed in a cage. Poor kitty. He doesn't like to stay still.
Mike holding the Black Kitty
More Kitty Pictures
Monday, November 13, 2006
On Pleasure, and On Pain
Three journal entries here. One from last week which I did not post because it was too negative. A second I wrote today and will post because I thought it would balance out the first, and a third just now. I'm not really a pessimist. I'm not exactly a realist either.
11/6/06
Dear Journal,
To what end do I write in you? It is not exactly boredom. Boredom implies a lack of work and responsibility, but my weariness of life (and it is a weariness of life) is something quite different. It is not lack of responsibility, but lack of purpose, and a questioning of why I do certain things. Work and study seems to be so obvious a pursuit I shouldn’t even question it. One works and studies to advance oneself, and learn a vocation -- to put food on the table so to speak, but it is also, shamefully, tedious. I fear it is becoming a chore. I must constantly remind myself that what I do matters to someone and will make some difference in the world. Then, I assure myself, it must certainly be worth it. Even then, I am using an external justification for something which should be able to stand on its own merit alone. Why can’t I just be at peace with myself? Why can’t I be at peace with being alone?... My life has been a constant search for work and companionship. To search for those two as I do is not exactly wrong, but not exactly right either. To what end do I search for friends and try to find people to fill the void within my life? I don’t think it has an end. I search for people because I’m bored. I search for people because I feel powerless and lonely. I search for people because I don’t know what else to search for. There is always the dark, tainting presence of death. I think the only way I handle it is by knowing that all of us will die, and maybe then I won’t be alone in embracing something I fear. I am a fool -- a poor, witless fool.
11/13/06
For once, let me write something in here when I’m happy. The world can’t possibly be so bad. There are creatures here that live and work, finding food for themselves, raising young, taking each new day without a care. Millennia of evolution, and each new creature has the resolve to survive. Surely they are aware of death on some level. They feed themselves, they avoid predators, they move on. It is man, who is bestowed with gifts beyond that of any animal, who uses it too to destroy himself. Perhaps it is the awareness of destruction that compels him to destroy. There is an awareness of something rotten and imperfect, perhaps the distance from an unknowable God? Yet, Joy. I said I would write about it today. It is merely the opposite side of the coin, opposite of pain. Pain cannot exist without joy. Things exist in relation to one another. I am joyful today. I see the darkness, but I walk in the light. How could any rational man choose not to? Divided between two paths, of pleasure and of pain, why would any rational man choose pain? Some people choose as events are doled out to them, but we all must experience pain and we all must experience pleasure. Do not dwell on things, but take them as they are. There is an end to everything. Change the things you can.
2:35 pm
Writing again. Yes, I am happy today. I have cleared my mind of worry and restraint. The rain is refreshing. The light falls softly on the leaves. I think I am happy when I am not deep in thought. Troublesome, is it not?
11/6/06
Dear Journal,
To what end do I write in you? It is not exactly boredom. Boredom implies a lack of work and responsibility, but my weariness of life (and it is a weariness of life) is something quite different. It is not lack of responsibility, but lack of purpose, and a questioning of why I do certain things. Work and study seems to be so obvious a pursuit I shouldn’t even question it. One works and studies to advance oneself, and learn a vocation -- to put food on the table so to speak, but it is also, shamefully, tedious. I fear it is becoming a chore. I must constantly remind myself that what I do matters to someone and will make some difference in the world. Then, I assure myself, it must certainly be worth it. Even then, I am using an external justification for something which should be able to stand on its own merit alone. Why can’t I just be at peace with myself? Why can’t I be at peace with being alone?... My life has been a constant search for work and companionship. To search for those two as I do is not exactly wrong, but not exactly right either. To what end do I search for friends and try to find people to fill the void within my life? I don’t think it has an end. I search for people because I’m bored. I search for people because I feel powerless and lonely. I search for people because I don’t know what else to search for. There is always the dark, tainting presence of death. I think the only way I handle it is by knowing that all of us will die, and maybe then I won’t be alone in embracing something I fear. I am a fool -- a poor, witless fool.
11/13/06
For once, let me write something in here when I’m happy. The world can’t possibly be so bad. There are creatures here that live and work, finding food for themselves, raising young, taking each new day without a care. Millennia of evolution, and each new creature has the resolve to survive. Surely they are aware of death on some level. They feed themselves, they avoid predators, they move on. It is man, who is bestowed with gifts beyond that of any animal, who uses it too to destroy himself. Perhaps it is the awareness of destruction that compels him to destroy. There is an awareness of something rotten and imperfect, perhaps the distance from an unknowable God? Yet, Joy. I said I would write about it today. It is merely the opposite side of the coin, opposite of pain. Pain cannot exist without joy. Things exist in relation to one another. I am joyful today. I see the darkness, but I walk in the light. How could any rational man choose not to? Divided between two paths, of pleasure and of pain, why would any rational man choose pain? Some people choose as events are doled out to them, but we all must experience pain and we all must experience pleasure. Do not dwell on things, but take them as they are. There is an end to everything. Change the things you can.
2:35 pm
Writing again. Yes, I am happy today. I have cleared my mind of worry and restraint. The rain is refreshing. The light falls softly on the leaves. I think I am happy when I am not deep in thought. Troublesome, is it not?
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